Woman at the well talking with Jesus
Hello friends, family and colleagues. Two days ago I accidentally deleted my blog! fortunately I had a back up of my previous blog entries. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep my old blog url for some reason and the comments that came with it. So now I have started a new blog with a new theme and configuration which has extra pages for you all to look at and comment on if you want to.
The name of my blog is Paddy’s Blog: taking the long way home and the url is http://paddynoblesblog.wordpress.com/
Ok so much has happened since my last entry I won’t go into the detail of it all. Several revelations brought me to a new mind of thought as it always does. Firstly I’ve discovered that my friend who I thought was heterosexual turned out to be a lesbian or bisexual. I didn’t see that coming. Anyway after confiding with this with my Queer Guru from the Philippines he reminded me sometime back that in Asia Gender is a very ambiguous thing. I had to think about this and I had decolonize myself once again. When I see gender I always look through my colonized eyes. So when I take my colonized self out I see something more colorful and I can understand things better.
What does this mean to look at gender from a colonized perspective? I’m still pondering on this. Another thing that happened is that here in Cambodia there are also many other issues to consider that is uniquely Cambodian and I still have to find ways to understand this and I’m not sure if I’ve got it right.
Yesterday on TV there was a documentary on the Bible and Homosexuality with discussions from Bishop Gene Robinson and other parents, children and churches who have both a conservative fundamentalist view on homosexuality to those who have an openness to think and discuss. I was thinking that that is why we have many problems trying to get people to hear us as Queer people. People are so convinced in the truth they don’t want to see other perspectives.
I haven’t been to church for a while here because there is no church here that speaks my theology as a queer person. I feel isolated sometimes. I wish there was a way where a uniquely Cambodian Queer Church could come alive here. Unique in the sense that it has its own theology and not models but it’s self owned Khmer Queer Theological Model.
Also I want to let you all in a secret. Love in Cambodia is so totally overrated! Love is not about have some kind of love for each other it might only be 30% of the case. But love is also about having financial stability. I can understand this from a country that people are struggling all the time to survive. But and this is a big But! It surely would be nice to hold someone and tell them I love you. And to have them say the same back. And it would be nice to sit in the quiet evenings under the stars feeling the love from each other. Because other than that love and the overrated reality of it gets us all the time and rare its ugly head and ask for money! As it always does.
Ok finally keeping up a blog is a lot of work and so I didn’t have a few months absence but my head is still full of thought and ideas its just a matter of writing them down on my computer. Several events happened firstly my work with ICF Interfaith Cooperation Forum is findings its ground and I’m beginning to get the feel of things which links with a lot of our peace networks.
The other thing is I went to India to attend a workshop on Playback Theatre and the Theatre of the Oppressed in Bangalore. It was something I had never done before but it was a wonderful experience to try something like this. It was about story telling, sharing and expressing these stories through Drama. I can’t say I was an award winning success but I did learn and I also learnt how this can help with things such as restorative justice of course was a model that came from Aotearoa New Zealand among my own people. Kia ora. It also helped me remember that I am not just a coordinator but a participator with an identity.
Also prior I attended a discussion from Mary Anderson based on her book ‘Do Ho Harm’ which was very interesting. It talked about having universal values and how that does away with our local, cultural and other traditions that are left out. (I’ll write more on that and post it later).
Finally I was reading an interview given by Witi Ihimarea (a well-known Gay Maori Novelist from New Zealand) in which he talks about how Maori were the most homophobic people in the world. Well I’m not too sure about this but I think at a whanau level some people are very accepting and others aren’t. But of course this all stems from the Christian Colonial influences we’ve had in this country. But according to another discussion given by Clive Aspin he says that homosexuality was very much accepted and part of Maori society pre European times. Art work, stories, songs etc prove this to be so. Nonetheless I think Maori still hold a conservative view on this largely because of their faith convictions as Christians rather than their cultural understanding. There is a proverb that many Maori quote saying: he aha te mea nui? maku e mea atu, he tangata he tangata he tangata. What is the most important thing in this world? I would say it is people! It is people!
He aha te mea nui... he tangata, he tangata, he tangata
Now this sounds all romantic and rosy but the reality is that these words are as empty as they come. Because the Maori who did the haka during a Destiny’s Church Rally in Auckland and Wellington some years back demonstrating their Christian fundamentalist view on what it means to be Maori and Christian it was also a show of violence and hate towards people who are homosexual. I was so ashamed to be Maori that day!
I felt that there aren’t enough contemporary Maori Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender writers talking about their experiences. I’m sure there is the odd one or two but not very many. So I’ve decide to create a blog with short stories for people to read. The characters are fictional but the stories are inspired by experiences and events in my life and the lives of others. So anyway link this to your blogs, feed readers, facebooks and twitters
Peter denies Jesus
Paddy’s Denial
This picture is about Peter’s denial of knowing Jesus. At that time if you knew Jesus you were considered part of his group and also put to death.
Ok so I’m not the perfect Christian Queer Maori person! I never said I was! But I had to get this off my chest because its been eating away at me for some time. I won’t justify it but when I was young I was always the picture of laughter, ridicule, hate and scorn at school and at home. I learnt to accept it and hide certain parts of me from everyone. But again things would rare its head and I had to face it head on. So after a long story I played the heterosexual role, not played it, but silenced myself and lived in it. Coming out to myself was the hardest thing but I did it to myself and slowly to others.
But again its so hard to come out and very easy to go back in. So anyway whilst living in Cambodia typical questions of ‘are you married?’ ‘why aren’t you married?’ I would say that my family doesn’t allow it. Or that I brush it off by laughing. I didn’t have to courage to tell people that I am gay and I would much rather have a nice husband!
Anyway after a few incidents in my life here in Cambodia everyone that knows me know I’m gay and they still accept me for who I am. It was no big deal! One incident got to me and it is still eating away at me from time to time. I went to have lunch at a friends house and he had another friend there from Hong Kong/ Canada. He was a Christian Missionary and his wife there with him. There was something I didn’t like about his wife. She had this sense of superiority over everyone and more especially over Cambodian people.
Whilst in conversation with her husband in which I had a sense of distain for we talked about the Church. He brought up the subject of how the Anglican Church has accepted a Gay Bishop in New Hampshire in the US. He said that this is an example of how bad things are for Christianity today. I sat there and listened to him go on and on. I didn’t say anything! I had a mouth, heart and I didn’t say anything. Now I have been in situations where I have come out and fought for others on issues that are not right. And what this man was saying was not right but I didn’t say anything.
I felt he was talking a whole lot of shit but I let this shit go on and on and for what it was worth the smirk on his wife’s face made me want to punch her husbands lights out and slap her face! Ok not right to do but it would have made me happy. I felt so ill that night I couldn’t sleep! I vowed there and then I will not deny myself again! When I denied myself I am also saying that I am denying Jesus the right to be the who he is! I felt like Peter and I feel if I could turn back time I would have said something to these idiots!
Anyway I will never never do this again! It is so hard to face, live and deal with being queer, its not a monthly thing its everyday and every minute. I have learnt that honesty is the best policy. So to all my Queer Brothers and Sisters Family and Friends I am so sorry by denying myself I denied you all! And denying you all meant that I denied Jesus to be the Son of God, Lover, Friend, Brother, Queer Man.
