In Mid August I wrote a report to friends and colleagues updating my health and where I am physically and spirituality with everything since my return home to NZ, the first in late 2010 and again in mid 2011. I wanted to share this in my blog because I feel this is a good opening to the long absence in my blog entries since the problems of my health. I also want to say that I’ll try to be more reflective and frequent on my blog entries. Keeping as updated as possible in what I have to say.

18 August 2011 (written at my home in NZ)

Each day of our lives we often forget the simple things that make us who we are. We become caught up in trying to meet deadlines, pay bills and write reports, etc., so much so that our health often gets neglected. Sometimes the signs are there, but we often put them aside and just carry on ignoring ourselves and our bodies. I fell ill last year from a heart attack that unveiled many other problems related to my health. This was one of those significant turning points in one’s life that make you stand back and reflect, to take some time out to figure out why this happened. This was my life-changing moment, and I couldn’t ignore it!

Earlier this year I went on retreat to find some time for reflection and prayer. I wanted to find some quiet space in my life to help me find myself again. Somehow I had lost myself. The Paddy that I once knew was slowly fading away into the background. I wasn’t that vibrant person anymore. I had become burdened with too many worries, stress and anxiety that I forgot what it meant to be me again! I also found that I had a lot of blame, guilt, pain and anger. It wasn’t just my health: literally, it was also the spiritual and psychological aspects of where I currently found myself.

From the time of having my heart attack in Cambodia to going home to Aotearoa/New Zealand, I discovered it was at home where I needed to find the remedy for my health problems. I had to go back home to face the ghost of my past—the guilt and anger that I had put on myself, the blame that others had put on me—in the hope of finding healing, forgiveness, truth and being honest with myself. I discovered that I harbored an internal sense of self-hate, blame, guilt and anger that exasperated my stress levels. I also found that over the years I found myself burning out! I didn’t realize that it had crept up on me!

I left home with the blessing of my family in 2003 only to find that my family wasn’t prepared for my lengthy absence from home. My family had assumed that my work and life abroad would be for only a short period of time. I too had the same assumption in mind! Nonetheless, as we know, life doesn’t always work out like we planned, and my original intention of living for six months in Cambodia has now turned into nine years! Consequently, my family and my church have had to readjust their thinking and assumptions. The questions raised by both my family and church have been, now that I’ve had my time in Asia, When will I be coming home? It was as if being away from home was all good and wonderful, but it had no significance to them! Moreover, given my latest health problems, this has only reinforced the position of both my family and church about where they want me to be.

The Church itself is a force to be reckoned with as it affects both my family, my tribe and how I carry myself within my community. In April 2011, I was offered a job by a friend to work with the theological school in our diocese. Nonetheless, this came with the condition of leaving my work with ICF and Cambodia. This was something I wasn’t prepared to do, but I gave an alternative suggestion of how we can better network with each other. Several weeks later they offered me a small part-time job to help with our diocese’s annual meeting, but I turned them down a second time because I did not want to get involved with the level of stress ignited by the volatile political arena of the Church, which is at times demanding. I had returned home to deal with my health and not get involved in an arena that thrives on stress and political mongering among the clergy and laity of our Church.

Again, the Church wasn’t happy with my decision, and they reinforced their stance on my obligations to them and my family. I knew then that they were not interested in my work in Cambodia. They felt that my health issues should be taken into consideration and that I am better off being back home with the Church and my family. That meeting didn’t turn out well for me, but I finally began to realize that my life and work in Cambodia were beyond the comprehension of both the Church and my family. It did not deter, however, my faith or my determination to live beyond their expectations. I knew that being in Cambodia was where I was meant to be! I had already set some realistic goals and aspirations for myself in Cambodia, and it was where God had put me.

What I did discover was that, although the leaders of my Church had the view of me returning home, I also had the support of other clergy members who felt otherwise. They saw the significance of my work and life in Cambodia and encouraged me to keep in contact with them in finding ways of how we could network together. I then discovered part of the problem of my stress and anxiety: I had moved dramatically, both spiritually and physiologically, in my understanding of the Church whereas others had not!

There was also another painful incident; for in recent months, a very close friend has brought me to a new juncture of my life and ministry, both here in Aotearoa/New Zealand and in Cambodia. He felt that I had put my life in Cambodia first and foremost over my family and the Church!  I had never felt so hurt and insulted by a friend as I did that day. After the initial shock, however, I began to see a different view of this incident. It made me realize that all the stress, guilt and anger that I had put upon myself over the years was because of what he said. I had put a lot of guilt upon myself simply because I had been living overseas all this time and deep down felt that my obligations were always to my family and Church. In addition, when I discussed this with my family, they felt that I should consider being closer to home, given my recent health problems.

It wasn’t just the Church and my family from which my stress and anxiety emanated though. It was also the many other facets and expectations I had put upon myself while living in Cambodia. Cambodia and Cambodians themselves harbor a plethora of problems. It’s thus easy to add this to the equation of my health problems and what others expected from me and what I expected from myself. Although I have nine years of experience of living in Cambodia, I am only skimming the surface of living in a society and worldview that is a world away from my own. Being Maori, gay and Christian has its own dimensions with their own cross-cultural and religious implications and assumptions about oneself. Consequently, there was a lot with which to contend, and I had built a lot of personal expectations of myself. Regrettably, I also made some horrible mistakes, and there are instances in the quieter times of my life in Cambodia that I often think about them.

What I did find through all the anger and guilt that I had harbored over the years was communication—being honest with myself and making some practical obligations to my mother and family. Although I know that they would rather that I come home to live and work, they also know that I am willing to meet them half way by promising to keep my health issues under control and trying to make frequent visits home whenever possible and improving my communication with them as frequent as possible (thanks to skype.com for enabling me to keep in frequent contact with home).

While on retreat, I talked with my local kaumatua (Maori for elder) priest, who had taken some time to share with me about the deeper spiritual and psychological issues that had affected my health. He is a trained counselor in the field of addictions and psychoanalysis in the arena of counseling and spiritual guidance. He was able to help me pinpoint some significant events and turning points in my life to help me reflect and find some of the reasons that contributed to my current health problems. We talked about managing stress and some of the significant factors that lead us into unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. For some, he explained that it was abuse and self-abuse through using drugs or alcohol. In my case, however, I would deal with stress by taking comfort in food from time to time. It was eating for comfort, insomnia, anger, low self-esteem and anxiety—some of the theme words and problems I was feeling. We also started to focus on various instances in my life when these would arise from time to time. This all brought it back to the way I was processing my guilt and anxiety and not communicating properly with myself and others who needed to understand my plight.

I also found that much of my stress and anxiety was because I had put it upon myself and took to heart the words of others instead of listening to what my heart was telling me. Even then, I felt guilty for putting my feelings ahead of others! I found that I had lost myself in all of this. I discovered that the expectations of my family were based on the Paddy they knew me to be—the Paddy that always listened and obliged to the needs of the family in whatever way expected of me. They had forgotten that I was no longer that Paddy anymore. They had forgotten that I had hopes and aspirations beyond the boy they knew. I had moved dramatically from this and that I was not the same Paddy that they knew me to be.

After some time in retreat and discussing these issues with a counselor, I’m finally learning to let go of the old expectations of myself. I’ve had to learn to let go of many things. I had a heart attack because I did not look after myself. I took all my stress, anxiety, pain and anger out on food and living in denial! I would avoid looking in mirrors because I was afraid of looking at myself. I came back home to find myself again; and in doing that, I had to sit back and really take a better look into where my life, hopes and aspirations had taken me. I became diabetic because eating sweet food and the wrong food was my outlet to deal with all the anger and pain. Thus, coming home was needed to try and find myself again. I can’t really say if I will ever find that same Paddy again! Maybe he was always there hidden in the shadows waiting to be found again. Nonetheless, I know he is there. And I am determined to find him again—the human being with that big radiant smile!

Having a stent implant or angiogram does not mean my health is completely cured! It has only put me on a journey to get my health back in order. I am now diabetic (Type 2 on insulin), which comes with a whole lot of responsibility and adjustments. I also have to watch and take better control of my cholesterol to ensure I don’t have another heart attack. I have been fortunate to have excellent health care in Aotearoa/New Zealand, but a large part of this equation is me! I have to make the changes. It’s a day by day process, and I am sure I’m going to have my down days! The diabetic nurse told me that not every day will be perfect! In fact, I’m going to have days where I will definitely fall, but she said it’s not how you fall; rather, it’s how you pick yourself up and carry on!

Yes, I had a heart attack! It shocked me into reality! I felt like Peter denying himself as a close friend of Jesus! I denied myself and suffered for it. Yet, like Peter, maybe I did deny Jesus too at various times in my life, but I hope too that I can be forgiven, reconciled and rejuvenated again in the Holy Spirit that is God.

The doctors have informed me that after my stent implant and heart surgery I will need to work on both my diabetes and cholesterol, weight, exercise and blood pressure to ensure that I will live a more healthier and holistic life. They have informed me to keep in touch with them via e-mail when I return to Cambodia, setting aside time for support and guidance. My only dilemma is making the adjustments needed when I return to Cambodia. How do I ensure my meals are on time and have the right amount of nutrition when eating in a Cambodian context? This is my new challenge; and like all the other challenges I’ve faced in my life, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure this out.

What then are my goals and aspirations for the future?

There are plenty! Rebuilding my health is my first priority, and finding practical ways of doing this is the biggest challenge I have when I return to Cambodia, i.e., going for 30-minute walks a day, eating a much healthier diet and making sure I put aside time to do this and not procrastinate. I realize that in the perfect world this is possible, but unfortunately, our world isn’t perfect, and therefore, there are going to be some down days too.

My dreams and aspirations have a connectedness to where I see ICF and the other ecumenical and interfaith networks that I have been a part of over the years. CSCM helped me gain momentum in this field, and ICF has given it a broader platform. I have always felt that having an interfaith experience and epiphany will help us achieve the goals we set out for ourselves. I am all the richer because of my ecumenical and interfaith experiences and networks that have brought my theology, faith and spirituality to where it is today. It’s not something that we can measure and show. It is personal, reflective and reflexive; it is far beyond the walls of the church and the context from which I come. It has moved me far beyond my own expectations and worldview. My personal relationship with God is all the more larger and richer. I feel very fortunate.

ICF plays an integral role in the hopes and aspirations that I have for the future. Our approach is based on walking with the grassroots people, but yet, our approach is very professional, inspiring and seeks to walk among the lives of people who are our friends and family. I see myself as part of this equation. ICF is more than just programs, schools and the grassroots, however; it is also about answering those forever foreboding questions at the back of our minds. It is about finding a common place where we can share and enjoy fellowship with each other irrespective of religious identities. It is about challenging, nurturing and imagining the possibilities out there.

Another note:  The future is lurking around the corner always awaiting to be realised and so as one door closes a million other doors open.  I’ve decided to put more focus into my work with ICF in working on two of my projects (Indigenous Spirituality and Children’s Peace Education), we are currently working on our writing workshop in Indonesia meeting with other indigenous writers and peace advocates to put together and publish a book; another interest that I have decided to pursue is to take up further studies in International Business Studies and Creative Writing with Massey University studying long distance.  A friend of mine said that I didn’t get sick for a reason, God is calling me to be something and do something that which might be bigger than myself, and in my little step in this world I intend to go out there and do it!

Finally, from the deepest and most sacred part of my heart where I treasure that most precious part of myself. I offer a gift to you all. It isn’t much but I give it to you anyway. I would like to give my heartfelt thanks to you all for following me on my journey. For carrying me when I needed it and for listening when I needed someone to be there. I want to thank my family who, although don’t always understand me and don’t truly understand what it is that I am doing, are always there when I needed you. I want to thank you all. You who have given me strength, guidance, love, and support.  I would like to thank my family here in Cambodia, and throughout Asia, ICF, CSCM, APAY YMCA, WSCF AP, CCA and many of the ecumenical and interfaith networks that have been a part of my life here in Asia and in Aotearoa New Zealand.

In another continent away we were also informed on the stampede and deaths of over 300 people who attended the Water Festival Celebrations in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. People, friends and family that are very close and dear to me are asking the same questions seeking answers from this national disaster. A young boy, Vichay, died who was very close to us! He was the oldest in the orphanage among the 5 boys that came under the care of the Ecumenical Church at the time. I was informed that his funeral was held yesterday at his home town province in Kampot Province.

It has been difficult to return home to be in the middle of the two disasters evolving before my eyes and the eyes of many in both countries and around the world. As always we feel vulnerable and hopeful trying to figure out how this all happened! What brought this on! I can’t imagine how people are feeling about this! Especially those closely affected.

In both countries it is only natural that we get angry and try to find answers to the deeper questions. Nonetheless I wanted to write this blog to help us remember those who have died both here in Aotearoa New Zealand and Cambodia. As I write this blog there has also been a shelling of a South Korean Island by North Korea. Let us keep them in our prayers.

To all the 29 men who have passed away, their families, friends and communities I would like to express my sincere condolences.

To the family and people affected by the Water Festival Stampede I would also like to express my sincere condolences.

And we remember those who have died in both North and South Korea.

Let us keep them all in our prayers and thoughts.

Yes of course our constitution has changed and we, Maori, have full autonomy over the way we practice our faith but there is still a nexus or an invisible line that some how continues to pull us into a very colonised Anglican mind frame and expression of theology.   Of course Maori have paved the way and express their own theology seeking  an expression of God that is purely from a Maori perspective, but what I have seen is that we are still somehow bound to our colonial past.  Maybe its not just Maori Anglican! Maybe its the general identity change that is happening throughout Aotearoa New Zealand and the Pacific also in Australia among Maori there too?

Anyway is being Maori and Anglican a colonial farce?  Do we still bind ourselves to England? In some ways yes and in some ways no!  The Pihopatanga o Aotearoa still has a long journey ahead to break away from its colonial roots.  Although I’m not at all convinced that having a three tikanga church is the answer.  I seem to think that having a three tikanaga church  is still at large nothing different then ghettoising ourselves from our Pakeha and Pacific roots too.

I think no matter how we label our religious identity first and foremost is that we should identify ourselves as Maori, this I feel incorporates the other identities of ourselves.  But of course then again we come to that forever brooding question that lurks in the back of our heads – what does it mean to be Maori.  I won’t get into that debate but it is cause for reflection and discussion. I’ll write about that in my next blog entry.

I remember when I was a Theology Student at St Johns College there were two things that rubbed me up the wrong way!  As a Maori student we had to assert ourselves more aggressively not because we felt we had to prove something to our Pakeha and Pacific peers, but because being part of the 3 tikanga get up put an invisible boarder as to how we were to interact with each other.  And honestly it still happens!  The 3 tikanga approach to being Anglican is always a highly volatile and political arena and unfortunately faith is always caught up in the science of politics.

Secondly,  the 3 tikanga model has become an opportunity for people to assert their power and position in the Church not merely as Anglicans, irrespective of our cultural identities, but rather as another form of power shifts and changes to benefit the leaders and powerful elite to make their mark in the overall church.  It is still a colonial church and like many religious institutions still fall prey to power, money, politics and gender!

I remember during the electoral college 10 years ago for it was mentioned that CVs should be circulated about each candidate seeking the role of Bishop for Taitokerau.  This idea was not encouraged.  In the words of one of the priest at the electoral college (Rev. K)  reminded us that if we are going to go through this process in pure tikanga Maori fashion then we let the people speak as testimony and not CVs, he quoted:

“e hara te kumara e korero ki toona reka…” “The kumara does not boast of its own sweetness”

In other words someone does not boast of themselves, it is in their work, support of others and the words of others that one is recognised for their own worth.

YET!  Several years later during the electoral college held in Ngaruwahia for the candidacy role of Bishop of Aotearoa the very same priest (Rev. K) who said it wasn’t tikanga Maori to put together CVs had a change of heart.  He put his name in for this position and campaigned himself by distributing a full booklet and colour bound CV alongside that of others.  Therefore using our 3 tikanga privileges according to who we are as Maori Anglican, to me, feels like a farce when it comes to dealing with the shift of power and roles in the church.  We tend to use tikanga when it suits us especially at highly volatile politically powerful situations in the shift of power for leadership.

So is the 3 tikanga set up a farce? Yes it is when people use it for their own benefit and not for the true meaning of bringing people together.   As a student of St Johns College the best relationships I had with other Anglicans was not in the 3 tikanga model but rather in the relationships I sought outside of this:  the churches, picture theatres, pubs, nightclubs, camps, and with friends and family.  Not by some document set out by the constitution of the Church only to enable others to assert their power over others. The 3 tikanga model was set up in the vision of our tipuna, but somewhere others took it to mean blaming Pakeha for our wrongs and using it as a means of power, politics and greed!

As I pondered on this I knew what he had to say was true.  We had denied ourselves our own happiness over the years putting ourselves out there for others seeking acceptance from the straight heterosexual world that we had forgotten what it meant to be loved ourselves.  Tears welled up in my eyes when he and I were talking.  A wonderful man full of passion and emotion knowing clearly what he wanted in life he mirrored an image of myself that was the total opposite.  I had forgotten what it meant to be!  I had come to the conclusion in my life that I had lost myself in some void of some self deluded assumption that I will be okay and that it will happen one day.  Yet what Raymond made me realize is that I need to be more proactive and go out there and dedicate my life into finding that special someone.  This he said is my life’s ministry this is what God wants us to do!  We are deserved of love as much as anyone else in this world.

I knew then that I had to start a new page in my life where love, more importantly loving myself and finding love has become my new ministry and mission in life.  It was a gift of God that I had denied myself from because it seemed more comfortable and less complicated to travel a path predesigned as being available and giving to others.  I told Raymond that I was always scared of the rejection or that if I put myself out there again the love I would probably get would just be superficial and an exchange for money or something.  Any exchange of love and affection should be based on love and reciprocated on love, passion and desire.  Not just because I have financial ability while others don’t.

I went home after our luncheon with a head full of emotions and revelations it was as if I was numb from head to toe for several weeks trying to find my voice again realizing that I was putting up excuses all the time.  Yes I really do want that special someone in my life!  I’ve been through what I thought was possibilities of having that ultimate and unconditional love in my life but to no avail.  Would that Mr. Right come? Or would I be let down or let myself down?  In Raymond’s book he talks about an immense entrapment of loneliness as if his world was forever isolated in some forbidden vortex of self hate, denial and rejection of himself.  Yet  throughout his loneliness he never gave up.  He may have had some troubles along the way but he found that love doesn’t always come in the package that we hope and perceive it to be.  It comes in ways that are at most challenging for us all but undoubtedly love all the same and unconditional.

What of me? Where am I to find that right person?  I need to take that leap Raymond!  I need to be like you!  I need to jump into the uncertain pathway ahead of me again!  I need to find myself again and in doing so I will find him so cherished, loved and blessed by God.   Our lunch was not by chance meeting but it was a time given by God for us to meet and finally be reminded once again that my journey has only just begun.  Somewhere I know he is out there!

Raymond and I will meet again soon to reminisce over this and in his own kindness and advice he will help me take that leap into the unknown ready to find that special man in my life and break down all the walls that I have put up against myself.  Thank you Raymond!

I’m drawn into Julianne’s character because her commitment to being the best house wife and an example to the socialites that encircles her daily life is where she finds comfort and acceptance.  She host parties for her husband’s firm and socializes with the people in their white upper class social circles. The typical 1950’s house wife, caring for her husband and family, like a step-ford wife where everything around her is perfect and highlighted as the admiration of society.

I am drawn to her character because deep down inside all of us is that perfect house wife. Trying to be the best at everything and trying to get the acceptance and approval of others. Yet at the same time we are always either living in denial or denying ourselves of our own happiness enslaving ourselves for others. I came up with this analysis because deep down in myself I have to admit that I am a little like Julianne More’s character where I am constantly trying to make my home (or wherever I reside) the perfect home. Cleaning, painting, cooking and committing myself to be the loyal friend, lover and person, only to realize that everything is only at surfaced level, and that under all of this I’m living a life of both denial and denying myself of my own true happiness.

My own true happiness, if I can see it through the murky grey clouds of my life, is to have a home of my own,  stability in life, enough to live on, and have the perfect lover and be the perfect lover, and to be accepted by my family, my church, my people.

There is so much baggage that everyone carries in this movie but the problem is that Julianne More has to carry this baggage for others so that they can get over their own insecurities. I cannot recall the exact time and moment that I have had to carry the baggage of others and myself in my own struggle to deal with my own insecurities, nonetheless there was always this strive to seek perfection of some kind in my life. As a gay man perfection in what we do is an obsession because there is a fine line as to why or whom are we trying to be the best for. The key word in this statement is ‘trying’! We try too hard its either off putting to others or it’s just a reassurance of our own insecurities. And yet at the same time it comforts us in some way.

I am currently painting my home. I rent a house in Phnom Penh which was in bad need of paint and character. After looking at the walls and hating every moment of it I decided to do something about it and start painting. Whilst painting the walls I discovered there were others things in the house that needed to be done, fixing lights and plumbing which got me fixing these also. Nonetheless as I was watching the work that I’ve done in the house over time I realize it was more to do with my own strive to make my life as best as possible. Having a beautiful home, having a sense of security and trying to make every breakfast, lunch and dinner as if I was living some perfect life style, this would be nothing but the ultimate fantasy, with that perfect man to share this life with and make it work. But as we all know life is not perfect and we are dealt with the cards given to us to deal with the situation as it comes. So yes I don’t have the perfect life and although I would like to be the perfect house husband/partner/lover, making my home as comfortable and as safe as possible to do  what I do daily is a journey into that direction but I’m not sure if it will get any further than that!

I’ve learnt that love doesn’t come in a perfect package with all the bells and chimes and fireworks for the ultimate man to come and sweep me off my feet! and run off into the perfect sunset. Alas we all know that I probably watch too many romance movies. But I think the perfect guy or situation is to realize that its imperfectness is what makes it perfect. Anyway this is all but just a fantastic dream ready to be lived and experienced. So you might ask me what is that I want? Under all the façade of catering and  striving for perfection in our imperfect circumstances! It still has it’s good days and bad! But I must say it’s nice to have something to cling onto whilst I continue to travel my journey on the discovery of who I really am in this world and where it is that I fit.

What is it that I want? The whole cliché of it all? I want only the summer nights breeze to blow gently on my face in the arms of the man that I love and who loves me back. I want to feel safe, warm and comforted. I want world peace! A peace that people can be who they want. I want that safe secure life where love in its holistic being is there and present. Call me a hopeless romantic, foolish, hoping for the perfect life, but at least this affords me hope, happiness in every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and years of my life.

In the recent Pihopatanga o Aotearoa Runanganui Hui (2009)in Tamaki Makaurau the discussion on sexuality issues was debated among Maori Anglican trying to find some ground and understanding. Although I wasn’t at that hui (I was in the country at the time) Tom Poata’s response to the hui on the subject matter of sexuality explained it in a clear precise order. There was no need to come up with commissions and reports! What he had to say expressed the views of many who were present and many Maori GLT Anglicans around the world.

“So it was all sweetness and inclusivity? Not quite, because Tom Poata, vicar of St Faith’s Ohinemutu, then strode to the microphone and declared that he could have saved himself a trip from Rotorua – because he’d heard nothing he couldn’t have read on Google.

He wasn’t too impressed with the commission’s original report – he later described it as “a plethora of nice, plausible, enlightenment, postmodern expressions” – and was hoping for something more from the hui.

“A word like ‘abomination’ doesn’t go away easily,” he said.

“We’ve got to go back to the texts, and see if there’s any plausible, rational explanation as to why the writers have framed our understanding of homosexuality in the way they did.  “Whatever we find – whether it’s positive, negative, indifferent – we have a responsibility to do that work. “We haven’t. It’s been skirted around, thrown around as being a cultural aberration, a Pakeha issue and not a Maori one – but it’s the church’s issue, and the church has a responsibility to address it head on.”  What’s more, suggested Tom, appearances can be deceptive: “What you heard”, he said, “was an hour and a half of ‘from-the-bench’ talk. I know that most of those people there do not believe that homosexuality is appropriate for ministry.  “And many will not say it.” http://www.anglicantaonga.org.nz/News/Tikanga-Maori/words-that-won-t

Toms reflection was about the most honest thing I’ve heard out of the Pihopatanga over the past 20 years on this issue. I recall another hui several years back when we were told that if the church doesn’t address issues of sexuality we might as well put our heads in the sand.  So rather than wait for commissions, reports and fluffing around on issues that could have saved us a lot of money, it would be better to theologically reflect, engage and develop a theological discourse for Maori GLBT people outside of this arena and move on in life.

The second thing about this is that contextualizing ourselves and victimising ourselves are two different things and much of this can be found in the way we approach our theological reflections. Firstly contextualizing ourselves would be to situate our experiences that shape our feelings and issues that we have experienced in our lives. But to victimizing ourselves out of our context would mean two things. 1) living in a rut denying ourselves of the possibilities out there! 2) crying wolf and gaining sympathy from others to further our ego and climb on that rock of success!

I’ve experienced the 1^st and seen the 2^nd in action among many others. Yet I guess we are all climbing to that rock of success, our short memory syndrome sinks in, and we forget on whose back we climbed.

Maori engaging on the sexuality debate outside of the church is in a more advanced position then the church trying to get a grip on its ego and writing unnecessary reports when that money could be used on other things. Maori trying to engage on the sexuality issue causes us to draw from the past (whakapapa, tipuna, mana, whenua, whanau), situates us in the present, and encourages us to look into the possibilities of the future. Somewhere in this trinity type format we have forgotten our journey. Our waka is left behind somewhere and we have become fractured. I’ve always believed that we are all fractured beings and need healing and reconnection from something. So Maori in many ways have a fractured self and being reinforced by words like, abomination, fagot, poofter, (and one classic Ngati Porou word at Ngata College was ‘Bo Bo’) does have an effect later on in our lives and intensifies the pain and self flagellating life we already lead.

The church obviously won’t have a definite stance on this matter and there will still be insecurity, obscurity, and the odd name calling by homophobic church going people. But oh well that’s life! The best way to react to these name callings I have found is to meet them face to face and tell them like it is! Of course violence won’t solve the problem but direct straight talking (no pun intended) will at least make us feel better at the end of the day.

There is a movie where a beautiful young girl is hitchhiking and the driver (husband) stops to pick her up and then his wife starts to complain. The driver says ‘darling, it is cold and getting dark. What would Jesus do?’ (knowing that he was using religious rhetoric to win his wife over) And then he said, What would Jesus say? He justified the situation by using Jesus!

The mistake of the church all over the world is that they tend to use Jesus to justify the situation and argue their case against homosexuality and other contentious issues around the world. Again as Maori GLBT we need to remember not to get caught up in this same rhetoric to justify our argument. This could be thrown back into our faces! We could argue our case and say the same thing ‘what would Jesus do?’ when pushing the church to hear our case.

Rather than ask what would Jesus do, because obviously we would never really know. Our better argument would be to understand what Jesus has done already? Using Queer Biblical Hermeneutics, we can uncover, explore, and reinterpret, Jesus reactions to such cases of his time. There are several stories in the Bible where GLBT people are loved, blessed, accepted and nurtured by God. The people in these stories are usually the ones who are not heard or seen but they are there in the story. Look a little deeper and you will find it.

Obviously the hui last October was nothing more than a fervent attempt to get the church to look at this issue but I think what Tom was trying to say is that all the nods and smiles at Runanganui meant that the work of the commission since 2007 was nothing but a waste of time (correct me if I’m wrong Tom!). Homophobia will continue to exist in the established mainstream church, added with Maori heterosexualised paraphernalia, personal attitudes, and a back log of other issues (colonialism, victimization, and indigenous insecurities) so like many other GLTB people its best just to do our own theology and let it do its magic and not get caught up playing into the homophobia of the Church.

Like the abuse Jesus suffered from the Pharisees, the insults and abuse hurdled at us, in similar form, from the church of today is no different. What we can learn from Jesus is that no matter what abuse or curses are thrown at us we need to continue to be who we are and theologise our own faith and ministry among the people. Debating is healthy and encourages deeper reflection and discussion. But my advice to all Maori Anglican GLBT and fellow supporters is to keep working outside of the box and imagine the impossible because one day your imagination will be possible.

Nga mihi.

KD Lang sums it up for me! I could write about the discrepancies in the church, the abuse and homophobia but then what would I be achieving!  I may make a big statement and change the church or I might not.   If we were ever to engage in a theological discourse and praxis in action on how GLBT people live their lives and relationships with God again we will fall into that old debate again where the mainstream church will still come out of it leading the way! Inspired by wonderful music in KD Langs rendition of Hallelujah I’m incline to say that God is very much alive and present among GLBT people all over the world. We were created in God’s perfect image and that’s all we should know Hallelujah!

I heard there was a secret chord, That David played, and it pleased the Lord. You don’t really care for music, do ya?

It goes like this. The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift. The baffled king composing Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, You saw her bathing on the roof. Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya. She tied you To a kitchen chair.  She broke your throne, and she cut your hair. And from your lips she drew Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I’ve been here before, Iv’e seen this room and I’ve walked the floor, I used to live alone before i knew ya.

But I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, Our love is not a victory march, It’s a cold and its a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above,But all I’ve ever learnt from love, Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya,

It’s not a cry that you  hear at night, It’s not someone whos seen the light, It’s a cold and broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah

Although this episode in our lives is long past I was reminded of this again when I read a friend’s Facebook talking about a well-known Maori novelist held up by the literature world for plagiarising the work of other people and claiming credit for it. Although he did admit it and apologized this somehow triggered something in me to react! And my friend told me I had a melt down! She was right I did have a melt down! Why? Because 1) I still had some past issue to deal with and let go! 2) Or is it because I’m tired of Maori exploiting their indigenous identity, sexuality, race, religion and victim hood to get ahead of everyone else to climb the corporate ladder, no different to their colonial masters!

I was asked to write a bible study for the CCA General Assembly in Malaysia and I too had to be careful not to overdo the indigenous, queer, sexuality thing. I was thinking next time I’ll do a bible study devoid of all of these and see where it might take us. Nonetheless my melt down was warranted. The trust we put in people and are inspired by their work only to come to the realization that they too climbed on someone’s back to get ahead in life. This was all too common a pattern I found in the institutional church. Nonetheless before I go judging others on this, I had a very long think about this and discovered that I too was guilty of this! In many cases scholarships are designed to help the down and out and vulnerable, so our language changes too! We victimize ourselves to get ahead and hopefully like a fish hook something will bite and someone will feel sorry for us, publish books and promote us to degree level!

I then came to the next question: is theology accessible to all? Similarly we could ask is God available to all, or have we become accustomed to tradition and culture and enslaved ourselves using whatever identity we have to meet the goals and aspirations of modern day academia so that we can have those extra letters at the end of our name. M.Th, PhD, Dip Soc Serv bla bla bla bla! The unfortunate thing about theology in many cases is that it is taken out of the hands of the ordinary folk to be probed and prodded by the academic arena eventually to be rewarded and given a certificate to say you have passed your bachelors, masters and doctorate degrees making you just as much a credible person in this field.

I grew up among people who engaged, interacted and practiced theology in their lives putting both faith into action and vice versa without any justification to any theological discourse, measurement and higher degree. Their faith and action told me automatically that they were capable of practicing theology. I always feel that these are the people who have worked hard all their lives with the vision in their hearts to lead a life of theology! This to me was more important. So yes I had a melt down because it took me back to the day we were told that we can speak but then we can’t speak at the same time. Our rights were taken away before we were given the chance to say anything.

I feel that if we are to learn something from this experience the best way would be to never let anyone stop you from having your opinion and voice taken away! For me I need to let go of the past! Yet in my stubborn self I always tend to raise the past back again. And we need to remember to remind people of their short memories when they prejudge you or assume you are some uneducated, subservient naive country kid. 

Maria wrote me an email two years ago informing me that she is now engaged to marry Michael Veukiso, and  the wedding plans would in two years time.  So I had promised her there and then that I will come back to Aotearoa New Zealand especially for her wedding and to spend time with whanau.  So I arrived in good spirits preparing for Maria’s wedding.  As soon as I got off the plane I went to make up (not for me but for the girls) and the off to rehearsal.  Of course it was wonderful to be there.

Maria’s Wedding

If you click on the picture of Mele (Maria’s Sister) you can watch her doing the Tongan Taúloga and watch family dance with her and put money on her.  The link should take you to my picasa account where I have uploaded this dance.

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Maria’s wedding was a celebration to remember.  As usual all the whanau had gather from different parts of the world, from Fiji, Tonga, USA, New Zealand, Australia and of course all the way from Cambodia.  It was an occasion befitting for Maria and Michael.

The brides maids are all in the above picture.  Now if ever there was a wedding these would be the brides maids to have.  They know how to party!  They certainly played their role well but they also had a good time and made sure the people around them did too! Yeah for the brides maids! They were da bomb!

Come to think of it I didn’t get to have a cake.  It looked so yummy.  Never mind another time when I go home and visit Maria we can make up for the lost cake. Winston said to me that it took Maria to bring me back home to be with them on this special occasion.  I’ve always admired Winston and remember spending time with him in Fiji in 1993.  He and I had an interesting discussion on gender both in Asia and the Pacific.  He said the problem is that gender is becoming commercialized whereas in Asia, in some parts, its a part of everyday society.  This was once so in the Pacific prior to the Missionaries.  But now there is this commercialized aspect of our gender identity.  I could have sworn I could have written a Masters Thesis that night in my discussion with Winston Halapua. 

Okay this is me once again.  I had this coat made in Cambodia from pure Khmer Silk.  Its a traditional Cambodian coat for special occasions.  I felt so comfortable in it.  And I wanted to dress up just like everyone else in the wedding party.  I was given the role of reading from the Bible in the book of Proverbs.

This is aunty (Maria’s mum) making all the flower arrangements the night before.  I’m not sure if aunty got enough sleep but she looked well on the day.  Aunty has been like another mother to me too.  I love aunties Faikakai (tongan desert), fish heads with coconut cream! Oh yummy aunty now I’m hungry!

This is Mike (the one at the back in the middle) and these are his younger brothers and sister.  A very nice family. I remember the first day I met Mike I said to him that I’ve known Maria and her whanau for a long time.  Maria reminded Mike by interpreting what that really meant!  She said it meant: you better look after my sister or I’ll beat you down! Hahaha.  All jokes!  Kia ora Mike, nga mihi nui. 

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This is a picture of Maria’s father (on the left and Mikes father on the right) they have both passed on but always cherished by the memories of Maria and Mike.

These three photos are Daisy, Lillian, and Leka.  Lillian is Maria’s oldest sister, and wife to Leka and mother to Daisy.  I know that whenever I am in Auckland I always have a home with them.  And I always feel at home with them.  They are very much part of my life for a very long time.  Ever since our Tikanga Youth Exchange Days!

And finally to my sister Maria although its been 4 months since your wedding this blog post page is dedicated to you and Mike and whanau.  Thank you for the wonderful occasion.  Next time I am home I can spend more time with you all.  Love you all heaps!

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore….
But let there be spaces in your togetherness
And let the winds of heaven dance between you.
- Kahil Gibran

Hands.  This picture has inspired me to write my next blog.  This picture was taken by a queer friend Rey working and living in Hong Kong but he is from  the Philippines.  This hand tells many stories and can be interpreted in many ways. This picture is the starting point to a bigger story I have concerning myself and someone I have truly come to love over the 7 years of living in Cambodia.

Yesterday my friend and I spent the afternoon until the late evening together, talking and being more open with each other reflecting on what fate brought for both of us. It had been more than one year since I had seen him. I want to share this story because yesterday after spending, what seemed a life time of enlightenment I learnt how taking the middle path in matters of the heart and love doesn’t always turn out as we want it to be.

When I first knew my friend he was a Buddhist Monk living his life enclosed in study and the life required of him as a monk.    He was only allowed to eat breakfast and lunch and fast from then onwards until the next morning.  Like every other monk he had to officiate ceremonies guided by his teacher and the elders. And so whenever he wasn’t busy at any of this we would spend time together talking and just getting to know each other more.

He was only a young kid when I first met him, about 20, and now he is 29.  He was a Buddhist monk for the most part of his adolescent life since the age of 15.  He and I always had a close relationship but as a monk we had to keep at a certain distance from each other as there were only certain interactions that lay people had with monks.  I knew, and he knew, that we had more than a friendship evolving, but I had to remind myself that nothing could ever come out of this because he is, of course, a monk and other things were going on in my life at the same time. Nonetheless we had a deep sense of closeness for each other and everyone in the Pagoda, among friends, and the Cambodian family that care for me here, knew about this and didn’t question it or make any remark about it. We were just free to be.

He spoke no English but was versed in Pali and Sanskrit Languages and understood the philosophies of Buddhism and other religions around the world. My communications with him was never a problem over the years because my language skills gradually improved. He always had a smile for me and was always kind to others. Although being young he was very articulate and intelligent on religious matters and we would talk religious views until the late nights sometimes.

As time went buy it came time for him to take on the ritual of disrobing (ending his time as a monk) as he had completed his time as a monk calculating to 12 years of his adolescent and young adult age. He was to become an ordinary lay person. In October 2008 he told me it was time for him to disrobe inviting me and other friends to travel to his home town for the disrobing ceremony.  It wasn’t a big fanfare event but it was significant nonetheless.  He was happy to have me there with him. So I travelled with friends to his ceremony on the south west of Phnom Penh to be with him, his family and friends.

One of the reasons why he was disrobing he was coming to a point in his life that it was expected of him to blend in with the social expectations of Cambodian culture.  Although I don’t know all his friends it was a good time to meet his family and friends in their village.  I learnt that he was to establish a relationship with a girl and so when I knew of this I thought all my presuppositions about everything was wrong.  I thought that since he was going to disrobe, he and I might have some kind of relationship, but I didn’t consider what he was expected socially to do to honor his family and society. And of course I did not want to coerce him into someone he wasn’t or didn’t want to be or do! Why? All my assumptions went out the window!  The intricacies of Cambodia Culture took precedence and so I had to fall in line with this!

So during the ceremony and with the discovery that he will now have a girlfriend, and it would be expected for him to get married, I knew then that it would be better not to over analyze my hopes and dreams with him and just get on with life and work. Yes I was surprised but I knew that this is probably not what the Gods wanted for us, so I had to retreat in my own pain and be happy for him on this special occasion. I knew that this was only a hope that would never eventuate.  But he would always be my friend and I would move on in life.

One year later from this episode I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him, not because I didn’t want to, but because I got myself involved in work and home and work! I felt that it is best for me to get on and deal with life’s issues as they arise from time to time. I never considered or thought to call him. It would have been better for me to call given the fact that I had changed my phone number in that period. So two nights ago I decided to call him and say hello! When I thought about him I realized how much I missed him. So I called to say hello and to see if he is okay. Eventually in the conversation we made arrangements to meet each other.

He had looked very handsome and his hair had fully grown and so it was a meeting of joy and happiness to both him and I! I could see it on his face! The sun couldn’t have been any brighter that day (yesterday 23^rd December). So after meeting, having lunch together and spending time with him we were able to speak openly and deeply about how I felt about him and how he felt about me.

I don’t want to get into the issue of him and his girlfriend but what I want to say is that he healed me from something! And I wasn’t too sure what it was that I needed healing from. He explained to me to so many things and apologized to me. He thought I was angry at him and with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye I said no. I was never angry, I was more confused. He explained to me his reasons, and no matter the social situation he finds himself in, he and I would always share a love for each other.

His answers and explanation revealed to me of how honest he is and that both his social and cultural context of things does not mean that he never loved me; actually it was encouraging the journey of love to flow between us. He explained to me about gender in Cambodia and the ritual of marriage and realized that I had never known him in this light of conversation before. He became my teacher for the day on matters of gender and the expectations of marriage.

We not only talked about why we became distant and his assumption that I was angry at him, but we also discovered how honest we needed to be with each other without all the shyness. It was my cue to come out with everything and confess, express and apologize to him whilst coming to the realization that nothing has really changed between him and I. We just discovered that a new layer had arisen out of our love for each other. At that very point in our talk he and I felt more intimate and full of love for each other than we ever had. I wanted to kiss him right there and then!

Okay! Coming back down to earth! I didn’t kiss him and I knew that what we shared was the most trustful and honest conversation I had had with someone with whom we both had a part of each other’s hearts in our hands. He knew for a long time how I felt for him and that we didn’t have to speak it in so many words. He knew that from the day of his disrobing until today something must have triggered me to call him as he was so happy to see me.

As for the analysis of gender bending in Cambodia let’s say that marriage and the sacredness of marriage is very important and how it contributes to the betterment of society. He will marry this girl (and she is very nice) on February 21^st 2010. He will commit himself to her and vice versa. And honor her as she would honor him. But at the same time he will always have love for me in a way that is deep in spirit, body and soul. It means that the God’s have brought us to this junction in life to help us find the middle path. It is the middle path where my journey lies with him and vice versa without bringing suffering on his wife and others.

At this point I will continue my love and friendship with him but I will also be realistic and stay focused on where life takes me from this point. But what I gained out of this whole day was a revelation that brought me to summarize all the 7 years that I had come to work and live in Cambodia. All that I wanted to know in 7 years came clear, honest and surreal all at the same time in one afternoon!

Now as I reflect on this, at the pinnacle of Christmas Day, where do I go with this revelation? Is it an epiphany to my own faith and self discovery in life, or do I run with the wind and travel the path of where our relationship might go? Will I be the ‘other woman’ according to Nina Simone in her song ‘The Other Woman’? Or will I not! Whatever it would be I will make sure that the middle path is the road I should be travelling relieving myself and others of suffering.

I guess this is the season to be joyous and happy, but in the past two days I’ve been feeling numb as if I had travelled through a vortex of immense self discovery. It’s as if my friend has become a new person and I just realized it. Either way there was a spirit in our time together and I learnt that there’s so much more suffering out there in the world then just me. I almost feel that I should be the one that should now be putting on a robe and spending sometime in retreat as a monk to bridge the link of my spiritual being to my bodily self.

I’m reminded of Corinthians 13 ‘…..and how are these things remains, faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love…’  It is a love that is higher than I expected!  I had suffered so much concerning matters of the heart not just in Cambodia but also in other parts of my 38 years of life.  That is another book to write.  But at this moment the immense sense of love I have for him has freed me of my suffering!

Our parting words and smiles that evening has left me with hope again.  Hope that love no matter how we see it or take it still remains a gift from the Gods.  I will continue to see him more often now.  He is not a monk now and the realities of life means that he has had to find a job working in construction.  Not what I pictured him doing but in Cambodia having any job helps one to survive from day to day and he is no exception.

So my Christmas will be a gift of a new revelation of love and the middle path and how do  I take it from here. What happens it will happen, I won’t change the fate of things. So wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Thank you Mr. Ny……