In Mid August I wrote a report to friends and colleagues updating my health and where I am physically and spirituality with everything since my return home to NZ, the first in late 2010 and again in mid 2011. I wanted to share this in my blog because I feel this is a good opening to the long absence in my blog entries since the problems of my health. I also want to say that I’ll try to be more reflective and frequent on my blog entries. Keeping as updated as possible in what I have to say.
18 August 2011 (written at my home in NZ)
Each day of our lives we often forget the simple things that make us who we are. We become caught up in trying to meet deadlines, pay bills and write reports, etc., so much so that our health often gets neglected. Sometimes the signs are there, but we often put them aside and just carry on ignoring ourselves and our bodies. I fell ill last year from a heart attack that unveiled many other problems related to my health. This was one of those significant turning points in one’s life that make you stand back and reflect, to take some time out to figure out why this happened. This was my life-changing moment, and I couldn’t ignore it!
Earlier this year I went on retreat to find some time for reflection and prayer. I wanted to find some quiet space in my life to help me find myself again. Somehow I had lost myself. The Paddy that I once knew was slowly fading away into the background. I wasn’t that vibrant person anymore. I had become burdened with too many worries, stress and anxiety that I forgot what it meant to be me again! I also found that I had a lot of blame, guilt, pain and anger. It wasn’t just my health: literally, it was also the spiritual and psychological aspects of where I currently found myself.
From the time of having my heart attack in Cambodia to going home to Aotearoa/New Zealand, I discovered it was at home where I needed to find the remedy for my health problems. I had to go back home to face the ghost of my past—the guilt and anger that I had put on myself, the blame that others had put on me—in the hope of finding healing, forgiveness, truth and being honest with myself. I discovered that I harbored an internal sense of self-hate, blame, guilt and anger that exasperated my stress levels. I also found that over the years I found myself burning out! I didn’t realize that it had crept up on me!
I left home with the blessing of my family in 2003 only to find that my family wasn’t prepared for my lengthy absence from home. My family had assumed that my work and life abroad would be for only a short period of time. I too had the same assumption in mind! Nonetheless, as we know, life doesn’t always work out like we planned, and my original intention of living for six months in Cambodia has now turned into nine years! Consequently, my family and my church have had to readjust their thinking and assumptions. The questions raised by both my family and church have been, now that I’ve had my time in Asia, When will I be coming home? It was as if being away from home was all good and wonderful, but it had no significance to them! Moreover, given my latest health problems, this has only reinforced the position of both my family and church about where they want me to be.
The Church itself is a force to be reckoned with as it affects both my family, my tribe and how I carry myself within my community. In April 2011, I was offered a job by a friend to work with the theological school in our diocese. Nonetheless, this came with the condition of leaving my work with ICF and Cambodia. This was something I wasn’t prepared to do, but I gave an alternative suggestion of how we can better network with each other. Several weeks later they offered me a small part-time job to help with our diocese’s annual meeting, but I turned them down a second time because I did not want to get involved with the level of stress ignited by the volatile political arena of the Church, which is at times demanding. I had returned home to deal with my health and not get involved in an arena that thrives on stress and political mongering among the clergy and laity of our Church.
Again, the Church wasn’t happy with my decision, and they reinforced their stance on my obligations to them and my family. I knew then that they were not interested in my work in Cambodia. They felt that my health issues should be taken into consideration and that I am better off being back home with the Church and my family. That meeting didn’t turn out well for me, but I finally began to realize that my life and work in Cambodia were beyond the comprehension of both the Church and my family. It did not deter, however, my faith or my determination to live beyond their expectations. I knew that being in Cambodia was where I was meant to be! I had already set some realistic goals and aspirations for myself in Cambodia, and it was where God had put me.
What I did discover was that, although the leaders of my Church had the view of me returning home, I also had the support of other clergy members who felt otherwise. They saw the significance of my work and life in Cambodia and encouraged me to keep in contact with them in finding ways of how we could network together. I then discovered part of the problem of my stress and anxiety: I had moved dramatically, both spiritually and physiologically, in my understanding of the Church whereas others had not!
There was also another painful incident; for in recent months, a very close friend has brought me to a new juncture of my life and ministry, both here in Aotearoa/New Zealand and in Cambodia. He felt that I had put my life in Cambodia first and foremost over my family and the Church! I had never felt so hurt and insulted by a friend as I did that day. After the initial shock, however, I began to see a different view of this incident. It made me realize that all the stress, guilt and anger that I had put upon myself over the years was because of what he said. I had put a lot of guilt upon myself simply because I had been living overseas all this time and deep down felt that my obligations were always to my family and Church. In addition, when I discussed this with my family, they felt that I should consider being closer to home, given my recent health problems.
It wasn’t just the Church and my family from which my stress and anxiety emanated though. It was also the many other facets and expectations I had put upon myself while living in Cambodia. Cambodia and Cambodians themselves harbor a plethora of problems. It’s thus easy to add this to the equation of my health problems and what others expected from me and what I expected from myself. Although I have nine years of experience of living in Cambodia, I am only skimming the surface of living in a society and worldview that is a world away from my own. Being Maori, gay and Christian has its own dimensions with their own cross-cultural and religious implications and assumptions about oneself. Consequently, there was a lot with which to contend, and I had built a lot of personal expectations of myself. Regrettably, I also made some horrible mistakes, and there are instances in the quieter times of my life in Cambodia that I often think about them.
What I did find through all the anger and guilt that I had harbored over the years was communication—being honest with myself and making some practical obligations to my mother and family. Although I know that they would rather that I come home to live and work, they also know that I am willing to meet them half way by promising to keep my health issues under control and trying to make frequent visits home whenever possible and improving my communication with them as frequent as possible (thanks to skype.com for enabling me to keep in frequent contact with home).
While on retreat, I talked with my local kaumatua (Maori for elder) priest, who had taken some time to share with me about the deeper spiritual and psychological issues that had affected my health. He is a trained counselor in the field of addictions and psychoanalysis in the arena of counseling and spiritual guidance. He was able to help me pinpoint some significant events and turning points in my life to help me reflect and find some of the reasons that contributed to my current health problems. We talked about managing stress and some of the significant factors that lead us into unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. For some, he explained that it was abuse and self-abuse through using drugs or alcohol. In my case, however, I would deal with stress by taking comfort in food from time to time. It was eating for comfort, insomnia, anger, low self-esteem and anxiety—some of the theme words and problems I was feeling. We also started to focus on various instances in my life when these would arise from time to time. This all brought it back to the way I was processing my guilt and anxiety and not communicating properly with myself and others who needed to understand my plight.
I also found that much of my stress and anxiety was because I had put it upon myself and took to heart the words of others instead of listening to what my heart was telling me. Even then, I felt guilty for putting my feelings ahead of others! I found that I had lost myself in all of this. I discovered that the expectations of my family were based on the Paddy they knew me to be—the Paddy that always listened and obliged to the needs of the family in whatever way expected of me. They had forgotten that I was no longer that Paddy anymore. They had forgotten that I had hopes and aspirations beyond the boy they knew. I had moved dramatically from this and that I was not the same Paddy that they knew me to be.
After some time in retreat and discussing these issues with a counselor, I’m finally learning to let go of the old expectations of myself. I’ve had to learn to let go of many things. I had a heart attack because I did not look after myself. I took all my stress, anxiety, pain and anger out on food and living in denial! I would avoid looking in mirrors because I was afraid of looking at myself. I came back home to find myself again; and in doing that, I had to sit back and really take a better look into where my life, hopes and aspirations had taken me. I became diabetic because eating sweet food and the wrong food was my outlet to deal with all the anger and pain. Thus, coming home was needed to try and find myself again. I can’t really say if I will ever find that same Paddy again! Maybe he was always there hidden in the shadows waiting to be found again. Nonetheless, I know he is there. And I am determined to find him again—the human being with that big radiant smile!
Having a stent implant or angiogram does not mean my health is completely cured! It has only put me on a journey to get my health back in order. I am now diabetic (Type 2 on insulin), which comes with a whole lot of responsibility and adjustments. I also have to watch and take better control of my cholesterol to ensure I don’t have another heart attack. I have been fortunate to have excellent health care in Aotearoa/New Zealand, but a large part of this equation is me! I have to make the changes. It’s a day by day process, and I am sure I’m going to have my down days! The diabetic nurse told me that not every day will be perfect! In fact, I’m going to have days where I will definitely fall, but she said it’s not how you fall; rather, it’s how you pick yourself up and carry on!
Yes, I had a heart attack! It shocked me into reality! I felt like Peter denying himself as a close friend of Jesus! I denied myself and suffered for it. Yet, like Peter, maybe I did deny Jesus too at various times in my life, but I hope too that I can be forgiven, reconciled and rejuvenated again in the Holy Spirit that is God.
The doctors have informed me that after my stent implant and heart surgery I will need to work on both my diabetes and cholesterol, weight, exercise and blood pressure to ensure that I will live a more healthier and holistic life. They have informed me to keep in touch with them via e-mail when I return to Cambodia, setting aside time for support and guidance. My only dilemma is making the adjustments needed when I return to Cambodia. How do I ensure my meals are on time and have the right amount of nutrition when eating in a Cambodian context? This is my new challenge; and like all the other challenges I’ve faced in my life, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure this out.
What then are my goals and aspirations for the future?
There are plenty! Rebuilding my health is my first priority, and finding practical ways of doing this is the biggest challenge I have when I return to Cambodia, i.e., going for 30-minute walks a day, eating a much healthier diet and making sure I put aside time to do this and not procrastinate. I realize that in the perfect world this is possible, but unfortunately, our world isn’t perfect, and therefore, there are going to be some down days too.
My dreams and aspirations have a connectedness to where I see ICF and the other ecumenical and interfaith networks that I have been a part of over the years. CSCM helped me gain momentum in this field, and ICF has given it a broader platform. I have always felt that having an interfaith experience and epiphany will help us achieve the goals we set out for ourselves. I am all the richer because of my ecumenical and interfaith experiences and networks that have brought my theology, faith and spirituality to where it is today. It’s not something that we can measure and show. It is personal, reflective and reflexive; it is far beyond the walls of the church and the context from which I come. It has moved me far beyond my own expectations and worldview. My personal relationship with God is all the more larger and richer. I feel very fortunate.
ICF plays an integral role in the hopes and aspirations that I have for the future. Our approach is based on walking with the grassroots people, but yet, our approach is very professional, inspiring and seeks to walk among the lives of people who are our friends and family. I see myself as part of this equation. ICF is more than just programs, schools and the grassroots, however; it is also about answering those forever foreboding questions at the back of our minds. It is about finding a common place where we can share and enjoy fellowship with each other irrespective of religious identities. It is about challenging, nurturing and imagining the possibilities out there.
Another note: The future is lurking around the corner always awaiting to be realised and so as one door closes a million other doors open. I’ve decided to put more focus into my work with ICF in working on two of my projects (Indigenous Spirituality and Children’s Peace Education), we are currently working on our writing workshop in Indonesia meeting with other indigenous writers and peace advocates to put together and publish a book; another interest that I have decided to pursue is to take up further studies in International Business Studies and Creative Writing with Massey University studying long distance. A friend of mine said that I didn’t get sick for a reason, God is calling me to be something and do something that which might be bigger than myself, and in my little step in this world I intend to go out there and do it!
Finally, from the deepest and most sacred part of my heart where I treasure that most precious part of myself. I offer a gift to you all. It isn’t much but I give it to you anyway. I would like to give my heartfelt thanks to you all for following me on my journey. For carrying me when I needed it and for listening when I needed someone to be there. I want to thank my family who, although don’t always understand me and don’t truly understand what it is that I am doing, are always there when I needed you. I want to thank you all. You who have given me strength, guidance, love, and support. I would like to thank my family here in Cambodia, and throughout Asia, ICF, CSCM, APAY YMCA, WSCF AP, CCA and many of the ecumenical and interfaith networks that have been a part of my life here in Asia and in Aotearoa New Zealand.
