God loves Bakla

I had lunch with Raymond Alikpala (Filipino National living in Cambodia for 10 years), the author of the book God Loves Bakla.  During our lunch we reflected on life and what brought us to meet each other reminiscing on our struggles of growing up in a tradition where God was always the center of our lives.   What took to be the most important aspect of our conversation, for me, was his insight to see what it really was that I needed.  I told him that I always had an interest and conviction to develop a ministry that helped queer people and bring them the gospel of love, acceptance and tolerance affirming that their sexuality was a gift from God, nonetheless the challenge he gave back to me was something that I had never thought about.  He said my ministry should be about me finding love.  The one true unconditional love of a male partner, where I would look into his eyes and say those three clichéd but special words: ‘I love you!’  He said that it is my ministry and mission in life to find that one true love.  The one who would experience everything with me and love me unconditionally, this, he says, is what God wants us to do.

As I pondered on this I knew what he had to say was true.  We had denied ourselves our own happiness over the years putting ourselves out there for others seeking acceptance from the straight heterosexual world that we had forgotten what it meant to be loved ourselves.  Tears welled up in my eyes when he and I were talking.  A wonderful man full of passion and emotion knowing clearly what he wanted in life he mirrored an image of myself that was the total opposite.  I had forgotten what it meant to be!  I had come to the conclusion in my life that I had lost myself in some void of some self deluded assumption that I will be okay and that it will happen one day.  Yet what Raymond made me realize is that I need to be more proactive and go out there and dedicate my life into finding that special someone.  This he said is my life’s ministry this is what God wants us to do!  We are deserved of love as much as anyone else in this world.

I knew then that I had to start a new page in my life where love, more importantly loving myself and finding love has become my new ministry and mission in life.  It was a gift of God that I had denied myself from because it seemed more comfortable and less complicated to travel a path predesigned as being available and giving to others.  I told Raymond that I was always scared of the rejection or that if I put myself out there again the love I would probably get would just be superficial and an exchange for money or something.  Any exchange of love and affection should be based on love and reciprocated on love, passion and desire.  Not just because I have financial ability while others don’t.

I went home after our luncheon with a head full of emotions and revelations it was as if I was numb from head to toe for several weeks trying to find my voice again realizing that I was putting up excuses all the time.  Yes I really do want that special someone in my life!  I’ve been through what I thought was possibilities of having that ultimate and unconditional love in my life but to no avail.  Would that Mr. Right come? Or would I be let down or let myself down?  In Raymond’s book he talks about an immense entrapment of loneliness as if his world was forever isolated in some forbidden vortex of self hate, denial and rejection of himself.  Yet  throughout his loneliness he never gave up.  He may have had some troubles along the way but he found that love doesn’t always come in the package that we hope and perceive it to be.  It comes in ways that are at most challenging for us all but undoubtedly love all the same and unconditional.

What of me? Where am I to find that right person?  I need to take that leap Raymond!  I need to be like you!  I need to jump into the uncertain pathway ahead of me again!  I need to find myself again and in doing so I will find him so cherished, loved and blessed by God.   Our lunch was not by chance meeting but it was a time given by God for us to meet and finally be reminded once again that my journey has only just begun.  Somewhere I know he is out there!

Raymond and I will meet again soon to reminisce over this and in his own kindness and advice he will help me take that leap into the unknown ready to find that special man in my life and break down all the walls that I have put up against myself.  Thank you Raymond!