Julianne More and Dennis Quaid worked together on a movie called ‘Far from Heaven’ guest staring Dennis Haysbert. It was a movie that depicted the typical nuclear family of 1950s segregated USA where people who were white were afforded more rights over black. Nonetheless the initial overview of this movie is based on the perfect house wife maintaining the perfect family only to discover that her husband is not such the perfect husband as she walks into his office finding him in a passionate kiss with another man. Upon this discovery her life has changed forever.
I’m drawn into Julianne’s character because her commitment to being the best house wife and an example to the socialites that encircles her daily life is where she finds comfort and acceptance. She host parties for her husband’s firm and socializes with the people in their white upper class social circles. The typical 1950’s house wife, caring for her husband and family, like a step-ford wife where everything around her is perfect and highlighted as the admiration of society.
I am drawn to her character because deep down inside all of us is that perfect house wife. Trying to be the best at everything and trying to get the acceptance and approval of others. Yet at the same time we are always either living in denial or denying ourselves of our own happiness enslaving ourselves for others. I came up with this analysis because deep down in myself I have to admit that I am a little like Julianne More’s character where I am constantly trying to make my home (or wherever I reside) the perfect home. Cleaning, painting, cooking and committing myself to be the loyal friend, lover and person, only to realize that everything is only at surfaced level, and that under all of this I’m living a life of both denial and denying myself of my own true happiness.
My own true happiness, if I can see it through the murky grey clouds of my life, is to have a home of my own, stability in life, enough to live on, and have the perfect lover and be the perfect lover, and to be accepted by my family, my church, my people.
There is so much baggage that everyone carries in this movie but the problem is that Julianne More has to carry this baggage for others so that they can get over their own insecurities. I cannot recall the exact time and moment that I have had to carry the baggage of others and myself in my own struggle to deal with my own insecurities, nonetheless there was always this strive to seek perfection of some kind in my life. As a gay man perfection in what we do is an obsession because there is a fine line as to why or whom are we trying to be the best for. The key word in this statement is ‘trying’! We try too hard its either off putting to others or it’s just a reassurance of our own insecurities. And yet at the same time it comforts us in some way.
I am currently painting my home. I rent a house in Phnom Penh which was in bad need of paint and character. After looking at the walls and hating every moment of it I decided to do something about it and start painting. Whilst painting the walls I discovered there were others things in the house that needed to be done, fixing lights and plumbing which got me fixing these also. Nonetheless as I was watching the work that I’ve done in the house over time I realize it was more to do with my own strive to make my life as best as possible. Having a beautiful home, having a sense of security and trying to make every breakfast, lunch and dinner as if I was living some perfect life style, this would be nothing but the ultimate fantasy, with that perfect man to share this life with and make it work. But as we all know life is not perfect and we are dealt with the cards given to us to deal with the situation as it comes. So yes I don’t have the perfect life and although I would like to be the perfect house husband/partner/lover, making my home as comfortable and as safe as possible to do what I do daily is a journey into that direction but I’m not sure if it will get any further than that!
I’ve learnt that love doesn’t come in a perfect package with all the bells and chimes and fireworks for the ultimate man to come and sweep me off my feet! and run off into the perfect sunset. Alas we all know that I probably watch too many romance movies. But I think the perfect guy or situation is to realize that its imperfectness is what makes it perfect. Anyway this is all but just a fantastic dream ready to be lived and experienced. So you might ask me what is that I want? Under all the façade of catering and striving for perfection in our imperfect circumstances! It still has it’s good days and bad! But I must say it’s nice to have something to cling onto whilst I continue to travel my journey on the discovery of who I really am in this world and where it is that I fit.
What is it that I want? The whole cliché of it all? I want only the summer nights breeze to blow gently on my face in the arms of the man that I love and who loves me back. I want to feel safe, warm and comforted. I want world peace! A peace that people can be who they want. I want that safe secure life where love in its holistic being is there and present. Call me a hopeless romantic, foolish, hoping for the perfect life, but at least this affords me hope, happiness in every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and years of my life.
