Christmas, Nirvana, and the Middle Path

Hands.  This picture has inspired me to write my next blog.  This picture was taken by a queer friend Rey working and living in Hong Kong but he is from  the Philippines.  This hand tells many stories and can be interpreted in many ways. This picture is the starting point to a bigger story I have concerning myself and someone I have truly come to love over the 7 years of living in Cambodia.

Yesterday my friend and I spent the afternoon until the late evening together, talking and being more open with each other reflecting on what fate brought for both of us. It had been more than one year since I had seen him. I want to share this story because yesterday after spending, what seemed a life time of enlightenment I learnt how taking the middle path in matters of the heart and love doesn’t always turn out as we want it to be.

When I first knew my friend he was a Buddhist Monk living his life enclosed in study and the life required of him as a monk.    He was only allowed to eat breakfast and lunch and fast from then onwards until the next morning.  Like every other monk he had to officiate ceremonies guided by his teacher and the elders. And so whenever he wasn’t busy at any of this we would spend time together talking and just getting to know each other more.

He was only a young kid when I first met him, about 20, and now he is 29.  He was a Buddhist monk for the most part of his adolescent life since the age of 15.  He and I always had a close relationship but as a monk we had to keep at a certain distance from each other as there were only certain interactions that lay people had with monks.  I knew, and he knew, that we had more than a friendship evolving, but I had to remind myself that nothing could ever come out of this because he is, of course, a monk and other things were going on in my life at the same time. Nonetheless we had a deep sense of closeness for each other and everyone in the Pagoda, among friends, and the Cambodian family that care for me here, knew about this and didn’t question it or make any remark about it. We were just free to be.

He spoke no English but was versed in Pali and Sanskrit Languages and understood the philosophies of Buddhism and other religions around the world. My communications with him was never a problem over the years because my language skills gradually improved. He always had a smile for me and was always kind to others. Although being young he was very articulate and intelligent on religious matters and we would talk religious views until the late nights sometimes.

As time went buy it came time for him to take on the ritual of disrobing (ending his time as a monk) as he had completed his time as a monk calculating to 12 years of his adolescent and young adult age. He was to become an ordinary lay person. In October 2008 he told me it was time for him to disrobe inviting me and other friends to travel to his home town for the disrobing ceremony.  It wasn’t a big fanfare event but it was significant nonetheless.  He was happy to have me there with him. So I travelled with friends to his ceremony on the south west of Phnom Penh to be with him, his family and friends.

One of the reasons why he was disrobing he was coming to a point in his life that it was expected of him to blend in with the social expectations of Cambodian culture.  Although I don’t know all his friends it was a good time to meet his family and friends in their village.  I learnt that he was to establish a relationship with a girl and so when I knew of this I thought all my presuppositions about everything was wrong.  I thought that since he was going to disrobe, he and I might have some kind of relationship, but I didn’t consider what he was expected socially to do to honor his family and society. And of course I did not want to coerce him into someone he wasn’t or didn’t want to be or do! Why? All my assumptions went out the window!  The intricacies of Cambodia Culture took precedence and so I had to fall in line with this!

So during the ceremony and with the discovery that he will now have a girlfriend, and it would be expected for him to get married, I knew then that it would be better not to over analyze my hopes and dreams with him and just get on with life and work. Yes I was surprised but I knew that this is probably not what the Gods wanted for us, so I had to retreat in my own pain and be happy for him on this special occasion. I knew that this was only a hope that would never eventuate.  But he would always be my friend and I would move on in life.

 

One year later from this episode I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him, not because I didn’t want to, but because I got myself involved in work and home and work! I felt that it is best for me to get on and deal with life’s issues as they arise from time to time. I never considered or thought to call him. It would have been better for me to call given the fact that I had changed my phone number in that period. So two nights ago I decided to call him and say hello! When I thought about him I realized how much I missed him. So I called to say hello and to see if he is okay. Eventually in the conversation we made arrangements to meet each other.

He had looked very handsome and his hair had fully grown and so it was a meeting of joy and happiness to both him and I! I could see it on his face! The sun couldn’t have been any brighter that day (yesterday 23^rd December). So after meeting, having lunch together and spending time with him we were able to speak openly and deeply about how I felt about him and how he felt about me.

I don’t want to get into the issue of him and his girlfriend but what I want to say is that he healed me from something! And I wasn’t too sure what it was that I needed healing from. He explained to me to so many things and apologized to me. He thought I was angry at him and with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye I said no. I was never angry, I was more confused. He explained to me his reasons, and no matter the social situation he finds himself in, he and I would always share a love for each other.

His answers and explanation revealed to me of how honest he is and that both his social and cultural context of things does not mean that he never loved me; actually it was encouraging the journey of love to flow between us. He explained to me about gender in Cambodia and the ritual of marriage and realized that I had never known him in this light of conversation before. He became my teacher for the day on matters of gender and the expectations of marriage.

We not only talked about why we became distant and his assumption that I was angry at him, but we also discovered how honest we needed to be with each other without all the shyness. It was my cue to come out with everything and confess, express and apologize to him whilst coming to the realization that nothing has really changed between him and I. We just discovered that a new layer had arisen out of our love for each other. At that very point in our talk he and I felt more intimate and full of love for each other than we ever had. I wanted to kiss him right there and then!

Okay! Coming back down to earth! I didn’t kiss him and I knew that what we shared was the most trustful and honest conversation I had had with someone with whom we both had a part of each other’s hearts in our hands. He knew for a long time how I felt for him and that we didn’t have to speak it in so many words. He knew that from the day of his disrobing until today something must have triggered me to call him as he was so happy to see me.

As for the analysis of gender bending in Cambodia let’s say that marriage and the sacredness of marriage is very important and how it contributes to the betterment of society. He will marry this girl (and she is very nice) on February 21^st 2010. He will commit himself to her and vice versa. And honor her as she would honor him. But at the same time he will always have love for me in a way that is deep in spirit, body and soul. It means that the God’s have brought us to this junction in life to help us find the middle path. It is the middle path where my journey lies with him and vice versa without bringing suffering on his wife and others.

At this point I will continue my love and friendship with him but I will also be realistic and stay focused on where life takes me from this point. But what I gained out of this whole day was a revelation that brought me to summarize all the 7 years that I had come to work and live in Cambodia. All that I wanted to know in 7 years came clear, honest and surreal all at the same time in one afternoon!

Now as I reflect on this, at the pinnacle of Christmas Day, where do I go with this revelation? Is it an epiphany to my own faith and self discovery in life, or do I run with the wind and travel the path of where our relationship might go? Will I be the ‘other woman’ according to Nina Simone in her song ‘The Other Woman’? Or will I not! Whatever it would be I will make sure that the middle path is the road I should be travelling relieving myself and others of suffering.

I guess this is the season to be joyous and happy, but in the past two days I’ve been feeling numb as if I had travelled through a vortex of immense self discovery. It’s as if my friend has become a new person and I just realized it. Either way there was a spirit in our time together and I learnt that there’s so much more suffering out there in the world then just me. I almost feel that I should be the one that should now be putting on a robe and spending sometime in retreat as a monk to bridge the link of my spiritual being to my bodily self.

I’m reminded of Corinthians 13 ‘…..and how are these things remains, faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love…’  It is a love that is higher than I expected!  I had suffered so much concerning matters of the heart not just in Cambodia but also in other parts of my 38 years of life.  That is another book to write.  But at this moment the immense sense of love I have for him has freed me of my suffering!

Our parting words and smiles that evening has left me with hope again.  Hope that love no matter how we see it or take it still remains a gift from the Gods.  I will continue to see him more often now.  He is not a monk now and the realities of life means that he has had to find a job working in construction.  Not what I pictured him doing but in Cambodia having any job helps one to survive from day to day and he is no exception.

So my Christmas will be a gift of a new revelation of love and the middle path and how do  I take it from here. What happens it will happen, I won’t change the fate of things. So wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Thank you Mr. Ny……

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